I’m scared of my choices.

Well, I thought I was starting to gain control of my moods (with the help of different meds). As I have been feeling more upbeat than normal, taking what seemed like positive steps. Applying for a new job, new location, new colleagues, taking on more hours.

Now I realise, I was wrong, very wrong.

Rather than my moods levelling out, I was obviously just in a small peak of mania. Now, I have come back down hard, with a bump.

What was I thinking ? I’ve now quit my job of 10 years, which was 5 minutes from home, familiar people and one of my comfort zones.

Now, feeling like cr@p and completely scared, I have no choice but to enter an unfamiliar building, full of strangers, further away from home.

I’m an idiot !!

My doctor warned me not to make rash decisions. To think things over before going ahead. Clouded judgements.

I really thought I was in control ?  I feel like I should no longer make choices for myself because I could be judging my options in a ‘false mood‘ ?

Do I feel happy? I don’t know?

Am I feeling sad? I don’t know?

I think I feel scared. Scared of myself, my choices, my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings.

I want NEED to escape life for a while. Take a break from existing for a moment. Hide inside myself.

Head in my hands, thinking……What have I done?

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10 thoughts on “I’m scared of my choices.

  1. While you may have been in the peak of mania, the new job is probably throwing you off kilter. I know it would me. In your situation I would be nervous. I would wonder what did I do.I would be scared. Have you been to the new job yet? If not you’re scared of how you will be treated, I know those gloriously high feelings of mania and they suck when you do crash down and realize you can’t do what your mania made you think you could, but maybe you can. Go to the job, meet the people. If they are real jerks that will make it harder for sure. And I thought you got a new job because you were laid off. I didn’t realize you had quit it. All I can tell you is to try and calm down and don’t forget those deep breaths and try not visualize what you think will happen at this job. That is the worst thing to do. You will feel better if you can, and I know it is hard, but not dwell on it. Go in there and do your best to survive it. It might turn out to be the best job in the world. Don’t lose a chance by not even trying, plus you already went through the interview. Do you want to do that over and over looking for a new job. Please my friend, don’t give up! 3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have read this through a few times now. Your words make sense and I can understand what you’re saying. But my ‘wall of nerves’ won’t allow it to sink in yet.
      I have not met any of the people I will be working with yet. Or been told the exact details of my role.
      All I keep thinking, is that I will be away from all my safety nets.

      It’s been quite a hectic day, maybe I need to rest up first to calm myself down.
      Thank you for listening / support. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. you haven’t done anything wrong. you may or may not be happy now, you are questioning yourself. but, as the saying goes, give us the courage to change the things we can, and to accept the things we can’t. so, you can’t undo this decision, so please don’t keep banging your head against the wall for making it. that won’t help, it will only make you feel worse. but you can focus on things about your new position and what is in front of you now. so you can prepare for the new job, you can plan how you will adapt, things that will make life easier going a bit farther, etc, in a new place. you can ‘troubleshoot’ those things, write them down, write down how you can deal with it, and then you will be more confident and prepared for the change when it starts. please look forward not back. you can do this!

    Liked by 2 people

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