Well, I thought I was starting to gain control of my moods (with the help of different meds). As I have been feeling more upbeat than normal, taking what seemed like positive steps. Applying for a new job, new location, new colleagues, taking on more hours.
Now I realise, I was wrong, very wrong.
Rather than my moods levelling out, I was obviously just in a small peak of mania. Now, I have come back down hard, with a bump.
What was I thinking ? I’ve now quit my job of 10 years, which was 5 minutes from home, familiar people and one of my comfort zones.
Now, feeling like cr@p and completely scared, I have no choice but to enter an unfamiliar building, full of strangers, further away from home.
I’m an idiot !!
My doctor warned me not to make rash decisions. To think things over before going ahead. Clouded judgements.
I really thought I was in control ? I feel like I should no longer make choices for myself because I could be judging my options in a ‘false mood‘ ?
Do I feel happy? I don’t know?
Am I feeling sad? I don’t know?
I think I feel scared. Scared of myself, my choices, my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings.
want NEED to escape life for a while. Take a break from existing for a moment. Hide inside myself.
Head in my hands, thinking……What have I done?